eh i feel like i should update. but i have nothing to say. i started the no ice cream thing this week. andddddd i feel a little bit better actually. i miss it a lot but its nice to not feel like crap from eating 900 bowls of ice cream. and moderation is a no go for me. lol. thats it. im tired.

So the past few days have been kind of interesting. Kinda random actually. And this will be an actual entry for once. But yeah. I kinda figured that out that Im a very bad person but its not my fault. lol. YEAH so there. But seriously I finally decided that I should stop being so cold and heartless. I can definetely see myself letting school and now crew take over my life- and not like just physical time but like my thinking and such and I'm pretty sure theres more to me than that. So yeah, for once I really will make an effort to being a good friend instead of being like "FUCK YOU ORGO'S BETTER THAN YOU". But yeah I also really do need to not fail out. I just need to get more efficient. And focused. Hmmmmm.

OKAY bed.

I need to get myself in gear for school. My brain shuts down after around 10 minutes of lecture... which isnt too good when you have a 4 hour lab where you have to pay attention. Oops. I got a 60 on my first lab quiz. YUP im gonna fail out.

Saturday morning is the 2k for crew. It's basically the test where everyone is rated and judged and how boats are made and stuff. UGH. I'm been stressing about it for the past week so I cannot wait for it to be over. BUT I found out that my endurance is amazing. I just have no strength. BUT I HAVE ENDURANCE so eat that motherfuckers. That's right.

Okay im done.

Yes the day isnt over but so far its been a pretty amazing birthday. I got a call from jen at midnight and then nancy IMed me so that was nice. I couldnt sleep and rory was the only one up and i hate aim so i was like roryyyyyy phone. He had a bottle of wine so he was all giggly so that was nice. Then I finally went to bed and woke up and I find out its 60 degrees out. AND sunny. There are days in april that are crappier than this so I was pretty excited. I got to wear my new shoes and my skirt which abby and lucia like "fixing" aka unsnapping and thus violating me. Then I do laundry and clean killers tank and I go to eat lunch. And I was kinda like "it would be nice if i didnt have to eat by myself, oh well" and BOOM like that split second i see kenny and eric. haha it was exciting. thennn they have this really good pasta with cut up bits of boca burgers and carrots and asparagus (two of my fav veggies right now) so it was nice. Then of course I want more food so I go to look for a protien bar and I found the perfect one. Its chocolate and 170 cals and like 16 grams of protien and sugar free (i'm trying to cut back where its painless to). It'll be perfect for mornings cause my chunky protien shakes are nasty. Then I did some more moving. All I have to do now is take down and reinstall the ikea light, decorate and put up posters, wash the rocks and put some in killers cage, and clean out my fridge. Thats nothing. Anddddd ryan came by with REAL animal crackers. I never had real ones, just the ghetto cheap ones. Theyre GOOD. lol yes the little things in life. So here I am, procrastinating the chem and bio and reading i should be doing for tomorow.

I just figured it out and I have 15 hrs a week worth of labs, lab lecture, workshops, and recitations. its gonna be HELLA nice to not have 10 of those hours worth of crap next week.

I also found out what I'm gonna be doing in my neuro lab and im not too pleased but theres not really anything i can do and i gotta learn this stuff somehow. For the first half its a bunch of random labs and then after spring break theres a big research project. I'm gonna have my own group of rats, and then i take them and drill holes in their skulls and inject various narcotics into their brians, and then i take care of them for two weeks (as in i come in everyday and all that jazz) and evaluate them and such, and thennnn i kill them and slice up their brians and look at their brians. HORRIBLE. I had rats as pets before and Oreo was basically my best friend for years. Poor guys. They do a bunch of this sort of thing where I interned, and the woman who sat next to me basically did this large scale. She was telling me how attached she gets and how she stopped looking the rats in the face to make it easier and how she would always feel like the worst person ever for having that job. And there was one day where she basically did the kill part of it 9-5. I dunno, I dont really have a view on it. I know that we made depression and anxiety drugs which affect a lot of people and its not like we were testing mascara, but still, its sucky.

Woah Ive been updating like crazy. This should be the last one for a bit now that I actually have better things to do.

So today was the first crew related thing and it was pretty brutal. BUT at the same time I did it with people from the team and it really made me appreciate crew. I bitch on and on and on about how much I hate it, but it hit me that in reality there's something there that I absolutely love which is why I put up with all the elements of it that I hate. Hmmm so it was nice.

Then I found out that my neurobio lab manual is only gonna cost $20. SWEET.

And its really nice being back. I love love love being home but rochester has definetely grown on me times a million.

So I'm back in rochester. its snowing. lol thats gonna be my life for the next two months- watching it snow. I went to check my email when I got back to see what was up with crew and boom they want $550, me to row for an hour straight today, a specific workout everyday, and then yoga at 6:15 am on friday. Damn now I gotta figure out where my checkbook is at. Grr.

I started moving into the new room. I'm living next door to brian whos a nice kid and he likes hardcore and listens to it a lot so thats cool. And im next door to my favorite place ever- the kitchen!! Woo. No I actually miss the nook already but its okay. Atleast now shelley can sleep in peace without me dropping things on the way out to crew.

Its sad how new shoes put me in such a good mood, but whatever. I got info about africa and it was feasable (moneywise and safetywise) so my mom started flipping out. So I figured that I'm gonna be a good daughter for once and not give her a heart attack and say byebye to that for this summer. I dunno, i still REALLY REALLY wanna but I know I would feel too guilty doing that so no africa but for that I made her promise to the gym 5 days a week so she lives past like 50. I'm taking my parents gym-shopping tomorow. So sad how thats exciting for me. lol.

So now since theres no africa I decided to try to figure out what the fuck im doing instead. My mom has a list of internships i can do that she made up for me last year and in the beginning of that is this long thing about why I should be a doctor cause shes a psychotic controling mofo. She fucking quoted bane. I got soooo mad all over again because a) im 18 leave me the fuck alone b) do NOT bring bane into this. Seriously it makes sense.

Sooooo guess how much I want to do anything science related this summer? Thats right NOT AT ALL. lol maybe thats a bad sign. Hmmm. Probably not as bad of a sign as the fact that I absolutely hated all of the patients when I did hospital stuff.

I guesssss I should start looking at camps again...

I dont know if I'm honestly insane or very very very stupid but today I flipped out cause I was convinced I was dead. I couldnt feel my pulse, so i assumed it was cause i was dead. But I felt really really weird beforehand which is why I went to check my pulse so it was a good conclusion at the time. So thats my day.

Then I went to chill with vicky and named all of her fish after people. The white one is brian, the psycho orange one that goes nuts when there's food in the tank is anna (lol yay), and the little sparkly one is vicky. and theres more, the back and yellow one is jen, the other yellow one is yuming, the two big orange ones are kim and braden, the little white one with a small orange spot is emily, etc. It was fun.

And im tired and I have like 900 crew workouts to try to make up... I'm honestly scared of going back because its so obvious that I've been blowing them off. I'm not gonna improve one bit and I know it and the coaches are definetly gonna know why. So basically I'm threatening myself lol. If I dont do three of them tommorow I'm quiting because that'll mean that I'm not motivated enough for this. WOOOO an hour and a half of rowing, half an hour of other cardio, and an hour and a half of weights to do tomorow. LAME. I kinda have excuses (me being sick for a week and my ankle and now knees acting up) but still, I should do atleast like half of them lol. Anyways, point is, sleep! Night.

This weekend was pretty nuts but thats how things go down. It was just such a rollercoaster ride, just highs and lows throughout and too little time to recover inbetween. I just went to the doc and got the verdict on my ankle. I'm absolutely not allowed to run until the summer no questions asked and its "highly advisable" that i dont row. So I have a lot of thinking to do ahead of me. Swimming and biking are pretty much the only safe things and coincidently my most hated activities (by far). I havent really thought about it much though. Then I went to dsw and found the nicest comfiest shoes but I dont think I have the money for them. It was nice to see bane and abby and abbys friends, drive a lot, hang out with the kids at home in hoboken, go to nyc, drive through nyc (okay no that wasnt a highlight lol), and just be spontaneous for once. Aight yeah.

I'm seeing bane tomorow. I wish I knew how but I am. I cant reach emily so I dunno if I'm staying in boston but worst comes to worst I'll just go there alone and drive back that night. Its kinda sad that this is the only thing I'm truly excited about but whatever. I love my mom. She honestly believes that they mean nothing to me and I just go to piss her off. I cannot wait though. I really want to reach emily lol. We already roughly planned it out and all but yeah her phone hates me.

Sooo I wanna go to Africa this summer. And london fall semester. But moreso africa. And today I was trying to figure out if I want an ibook or an ipod or a digi cam and like 20 mins later I'm just reading the journals of what the volunteers saw in africa and im like "uhhh nevermind". so thats good. godddd i wanna go sooooooo bad, ive wanted to for years but this is the first time where its realistic. i finally feel as if i have a chance at being able to handle it. my mom took that as the perfect opportunity to give me a lecture on how i'll get aids and die if i leave this country. ahhh. but she thought that africa was a country so her opinion on all of this was made pretty worthless by that lol.

Mannnn I miss running. I saw a picture of me late summer in sneakers and i was like NOOOOOOOO. I had the entire runner look which i definetely do not anymore. AHH. So at 18 I'm officially past my prime. lol now to decide whether i should burn the pictures or not. Theres also a lot of pics of the sexy alti so thats cool. A lot of things on that camera that I forgot about too so it was fun seeing it. Okay done bitching. Im out.

NO MONO!!! Yesssss they just called back and I'm golden. Sweet.

I have tendonitis though. All i know is that its super super slow healing. He'll give me more details once i get an MRI done to rule out stress fractures and tendon tears and stuff. I think the type i have is gonna be especially slow healing, like as in years, just cause the only thing you can really do for it is rest it and thats not really an option since that tendon is used when i walk. We'll see, I'm just happy to know what the fuck is up. And all the more motivation for me to learn how to swim. Right? Mannn I already miss running though, but I'm sure crew will do its part to ensure that I dont run simply by wearing me out so much in other ways.

AND ive decided that im gonna learn how to swim. Yes Ive decided this like 900 times before but THIS time im half serious. lol okay shower!

Hmmm the doc thinks I might have mono. I REALLY hope i dont (lol obviously). I feel pretty okay, just that my throat is a disaster and i get dizzy if i stand up too quickly but its not strep so hes all like mono and im like nooooooooo. I think its just a throat infection though and I know everything. So there. We'll know on monday...

I go to an orthopedist tomorow to attempt to solve my ankle mess because its acting up again. All hes gonna say is that i need orthodics and not give a real reason as to why. I hate doctors, honestly. I decided yesterday (again) that i really really REALLY want to run the nyc marathon. And I mean I theoretically can this year because its 11 months away but realistically with crew and my ankle and the possible mono and the raffle to be allowed to run the marathon bc they have too many entrants it looks like a helll no. So my sight is gonna be set on the manhattan half marathon.

No ones home yet. Tommorow I get to see jo and mark along with others I'm sure. And I got to hang out with rory a little before he went back to mass so that was a lot of fun. I kinda have $85 worth of parking tickets from drew so basically that means that I can most likely get away with not paying them but Im too scared to park the alti there again because I feel like they'll boot/tow me if I illegally park there twice. I dunno rory took the tickets away from me which is good because i would be stressing out and feel guilty and wind up paying if i had the tickets still. Which I dont wanna do. And everyone told me to not worry about it, so yeah.. Okay. Yeah thats all the excitement going down in my life. Off to bed...

Ahh I love being home. I have almost NO responsibilities over break. I almost dont know what to do with my time. I have crew shit I have to do and I want to do more than whats assigned because I really really wanna be in good shape when I get back. And I'm gonna cook my parents dinner every night since they work sooo much. And I wanna burn myself 9 trillion cds. And mcat studying... ugh. Okay yeah time for crew shit.

Sooo I have a final in two hours that I'm not ready for AT ALL. PERFECT time to update, huh?

I want them to put my psych grade up and not anything else so my gpa can go up for like 12 hours. Its kinda cool that an A- brings my gpa down. Like its not cool that my gpa is steadily getting lower and lower and lower but its cool that a grade like an A- is bad for it. not after this semester though lol. OKAY time to learn a semesters worth of neuro...

WHYYYYY are there crew workouts this week. Its finals week, the last thing I should have to worry about right now is rowing. I dont normally mind the intensity, in fact I've grown to really really like how its gotten a lot more intense lately, but I mean, ITS FINALS WEEK. Its a "do it on your own" sorta thing so i'll just get it done after my finals so its not a big deal but stillllll its just not something i want to be thinking about right now. okay im over it. and actually come to think of it its somethign i most likely would have done on my own anyways. esp seeing how ive run like 8 miles collectively on my own for the hell of it over the past few days. as in i woke up and im like "oooh i wanna run". lol im such a psycho. OKAY time to study seeing as how im gonna faillllll.

So over the last 24 hours I have managed to gain 10 pounds (for real yo... it better be mostly water but i doubt it seeing how i just had 2000 calories worht of cheesecake as a snack lol), destroy my lungs, and kill off a good amount of brain cells. All in all it was enjoyable. I need to find a drug without bad side effects. Or not do drugs. But thats not gonna happen, theres only so much of rochester I can deal with on my own. Ive been good for like the first few months, its just that lately its like FUCK THIS. Bad time to say it since i have finals and all but I dunno. Oh well. Im gonna study.. YAY.

WHYYYYY do people go to the quiet study area of the science library and have all out conversations? Not like whispering, not like studying, but full out converstations. And I kept giving them dirty looks because i was seriously pissed but did they get the hint? NOOOOOO of course not. EVIL. And I mean, yeah I should stop being so lazy and move but i had sooo much shit out that it was that much more annoying to move. So an hour later after getting like nothing done I'm here bitching.

Okay on the positive note, its two days before the test and all my reading is done and i calmed down over how fucked i am next week. Next week... oh man. Wed= final, Thurs = final, Fri= really big important paper about neurobiological ways of preventing depression. Haha YEAH im failing out.

I seriously spent four hours today trying to find a new pair of shoes. Yep and I came back empty handed because im the pickiest person EVER. I must have seen atleast a thousand different shoes and none of them met my standards. The dkny shoes look soooo much worse in real life so I was kinda not happy about that. I didnt even recognize them at first. I did find some NICE ass pumas though. holy shit they were amazing, but they were kinda $200 so that was a no go. and they didnt look comfy enough. and i saw some nice prada shoes (lol dont ask) but yeah same thing except they were the most impractical shoes ever. the bottom was fucking suede. YEAH OKAY. why the fuck would someone pay $300 for shoes that they are pretty much guaranteed to ruin? like yeah there were rubber spikey things so the suede wasnt technically touching the ground, but still.

soooooo im still in the median for the rowing machine fitness test thingee for crew. YES!! haha mediocricy is an accomplishment for me, so there. I'm 10/19. I would be 9 if i didnt have this obsession with giving up for the last few minutes, but shit happens. and i went to the gym and ran today- i like it sooo much better than crew. thats probably not so good, but whatever, crew is a lot better for me so there. i did weights afterwards and my back got insanely stronger. everything else is pretty much still the same but my back is a beast now. 90 pounds and it didnt even feel that hard.